Sania Khan was brutally murdered by her ex-husband. So why are people blaming her family?

Sania Khan was a much loved daughter, sister and niece who loved to help others and make people smile!

On Tuesday, I found out that one of my best friend’s niece, Sania Khan, was brutally murdered in her home by her ex-husband. The tragedy spread across social media and MSM quickly, partly due to Sania’s social media presence through which she shared her passion for photography as well as her experiences of going through the heartache of a recent divorce. Everyone agreed, Sania was feisty, fun and a fantastic friend to many, who are all devastated by her loss.

How much difference a year makes.

Only last year, Sania was celebrating her much awaited marriage to someone she believed to be her soulmate. The families, both hailing from Pakistan, held a lavish wedding in the USA, with guests travelling from all over the world to attend the nuptials. It was a beautiful wedding, having taken place in the middle of a pandemic that nobody could see the end of so any opportunity to celebrate was cherished and enjoyed all the more.

Sania hailed from a loving, caring and very progressive family who would not tolerate one of their daughters being subjected to any form of abuse. The truth is that when Sania decided to leave her abusive marriage, her mother supported her and helped her to leave. Sania shared her journey online, often with brutal and unflinching honesty. When we are going through tough times, we often blame ourselves and our closest family while we try to figure out what the heck is happening in our lives. Sania was no different. Her posts were funny, sad, angry, contemplative as well as inspirational.

Yes, it is absolutely true that our traditional, patriarchal South Asian communities frown in general on divorce and in particular, women who stand up for themselves. The truth is that when Sania decided to leave her abusive marriage, her mother supported her and helped her to leave. And yet, many people are choosing to blame her family, accusing them of ‘refusing to let her leave’ and ‘preferring a dead daughter than a divorced one.’

Victim-blaming is a convenient way to absolve the perpetrator.

These accusations could not be further from the truth and are indicative of the way we as a community deal with such tragedies. Blaming the family of the victim is still a form of victim blaming. Why didn’t she do this/ why didn’t they do that. We need to lay blame where it belongs. The truth is that Sania’s ex-husband CHOSE to take a gun, CHOSE to travel to her apartment and then CHOSE to shoot her dead. It’s very convenient to blame ‘mental health issues’ because it’s harder to accept that we as South Asians still don’t know how to deal with domestic abuse and coercive control. I have always wondered how is that men (or their families) who claim to suffer from mental health never seem to lose control in front of their families or other men, and can only take out their frustration on defenceless women??

Sania Khan often shared her passion for photography as well as tips to help others to her many followers.

I know that in many cases, including my own, it has been difficult for women to walk away from abusive marriages especially where children are concerned. But even when we do everything that we can to help our womenfolk, we cannot anticipate or account for the actions of others, especially murderous, hellbent-on- revenge ex-husbands. The real tragedy behind such tragic cases is that the actual murderer’s actions will be long forgotten while families of murdered victims are left to carry the burden of the heartache and blame.

Please don’t let this be the case with Sania and her family.